I’ve made some pretty concrete changes in the way I live my life the past couple months, and sometimes, it’s incredible to look back and see the growth. I really love when we have that opportunity, and I think it is so important for each of us to see how we have grown and changed. However, something I realized today is that sometimes I learn I am weak in a way I didn’t realize.
Something I have been realizing lately is how vain and proud I can be. Allow me to explain...
I have had brokenness healed and experienced God’s grace in profound ways, but I forget so many times that his grace and his healing doesn’t perfect me to the point of no longer needing him, even in that very particular way. I have to accept his graces forever, not once. I forget this more often than I care to admit. I must think a journey or story worth sharing ha to consist of a dramatic success story filled with tangible grace and love experienced by God, and in my small, limited humanness, I think the story has to end with a finish line victory. Uhh, hello! I’m still alive...I haven’t crossed the ultimate finish line. Both components don’t have to be present in order for the story to fit the bill or be worthy.
I am a growing human being with limits. I carry insecurities in my heart, some from past experiences that have hurt me, some of which I have experience healing, but I still need to remember that I was able to let it go only by the Grace of God. I encounter new insecurities or new perspectives where I feel small, weak, inadequate, or hurt.
So...with all these broken moments, I let my heart fill with lies. I let myself think those hurtful things are true. I even let myself think I’m not good enough because my story isn’t finished.
So, what do I do about it? Here is my action plan: when I allow a lie to settle in my heart or a lie to speak in my head...for example, “No one wants to hear your story, Megan.” I want to speak a truth and a good, positive thing to combat it. For example, “Praise God for giving me my story, for the way it touched so-in-so that one time, and for the ways it reminds me that God loves me and cares for me and will always be there for me.”
So you see...when I practice these moments of speaking truth into the rotten lies that try to strangle my heart, I can experience God’s grace anew. I can allow him to heal me again and again and again. Will I instantly feel free from my sorrow or hurt? I bet I won’t always. Maybe sometimes. However, in time, truth will set me free. I believe that. That is something I have learned by experiencing healing before!
With all this considered and as I reflect on how I’ve changed, I realize that sometimes I learn new ways that I fall short. As I challenge myself day to day, I grow, and in turn, I realize fears and insecurities I didn’t know I had or ones that I still carry as much as I try to pretend I don’t. There is still a growth and lesson learned here: Even those realizations are growth, and rather than allowing my heart to crumble and think, “I am still a broken hot mess after all of it,” I can say, “I have grown by the grace of God, and I will allow his truth to heal, set me free, and carry me forward on this journey.”
Accept where you are in your journey of life. Recognize the growth you experience even if it’s realization of something humbling. Speak truths to the lies that entangle your heart. Let God’s truth set you free and push you onward.
Shortly after we moved to Bluffton, SC, I found out I was expecting baby number two. Up until that point I had no real and active plans of weaning Killian just yet. Jake and I had thought about starting to wean Killian since I was still nursing him on demand (which really isn't that much by the time they're a year old), and my cycle hadn't returned yet which we attributed to the nursing (Ha!). In the weeks leading up to what happened to be finding out we were expanding our family, I had been thinking, "If I end up getting pregnant while I am still nursing Killian, how much longer will I be willing to nurse him?" I was cautious about tandem nursing (which I know is a very controversial topic in the momosphere), and I personally felt like I wouldn't enjoy it. I have always loved nursing Killian, which is why I have nursed him on demand for as long as I have, but when he was first born I remember feeling overwhelmed by how essential I was to him being that I was his soul source of nourishment. As a first time mom, I never wanted to turn him away from a moment of nursing (he was super skinny too), and I think I put more pressure on myself than I really needed to do. With that in mind, I just didn't want to feel that same way with a newborn AND a toddler. I had a rough spout of postpartum blues (anxiety, really), and I want to take better care of myself this time around. Tandem nursing just didn't sound like a good option for me - not to mention all the other controversial reasons (i.e. newborn baby not getting enough nourishment), I concluded it might not be the best idea.