Everyday I get the readings emailed to me from the USCCB. I usually hold onto the email until the next day, rarely taking the time to read it. Yesterday I had a few minutes to sit down with the readings and pray with them. "Blessed are those who hope in the Lord" was the responsorial psalm, and it basically sums up a conversation God and I have been having for the past several days. I've struggled with anxiety since puberty, I'd say, (just think: 13 year old girl. *shutter*) and I have struggled with being a perfectionist since I entered the world almost 25 years ago. (Mom, I know you're laughing and nodding your head.) I've been really torn up inside about the things in my life that aren't perfect (to me), and I have been putting this unnecessary burden on myself to "fix" all-the-things. I get like this a lot; I start to feel suffocated by the unfixable imperfection I see. I allow myself to become overwhelmed by the challenges life throws at me; my dusties, as I like to say on here. Allow me to invite you into some of these anxious moments I have had the past few days and show you how the Lord has held my hand through it all. This past weekend I had a moment where I felt physically imperfect. I began to feel insecure and poorly viewed by others around me. Did anyone say anything to me? No, they never do. But I must have started comparing myself to other people, and it caused me to feel inadequate. (Oh comparison, you kill-joy, you.) I took a few quiet moments to myself, and a positive thought popped in my head. "What if no one sees me how I see myself right now? What if everyone sees me as beautiful, even breathtakingly beautiful? What if when I leave a party women say to each other, "that Megan is so beautiful," I thought. A few days ago I spoke about how sharing these seemingly proud thoughts with the public ear is a bit embarrassing, and it is, but it really changes my perspective. I finally realized that people probably don't see me in the negative light that I fear that they do. They might not gloat about my beauty when I leave the room or struggle hold back their intense admiration for me (hehe), but this realization truly changed me. I went from feeling insecure, anxious, and defeated to feeling free. Moreover, I did not need affirmation from anyone, because I found confidence within. When I pray about my self-image, I am always brought back to that verse in scripture: "You are beautifully and fearfully made." We all are, so that means I am too. Jake, for example, thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. Wow. I never let that sink in; I never take a moment to believe him. I don't consider that he truly means it, and that he says it because he loves me. My friends and family give me compliments all the time that I don't take the time to believe or sink in at all. As much as I would like to deny this: I often hesitate to accept these words of love as truth. That is foolish. Listen to 1 Thes 2:13 from yesterday's Gospel acclamation: "Receive the word of God, not as the word of men, but as it truly is, the word of God." With all that I've been pondering and feeling recently, when I read this, I felt like God said, "Megan, really, goodness and truth are from Me." Now, I'm sure this scripture passage means that the Bible may have been physically written down by men but its actually God's words, but I see it as an affirmation of what God and I have been speaking about recently. I hear God saying to me that these compliments and this love that people give me, whether words of affirmation, time spent together, whatever, God is truly loving me through them. He is letting me know that I am beautiful, talented, or simply a pleasure to be around. Although men and women say these things, He is saying them. They are truth and goodness because that is what God is, and therefore, I must believe them. Humility is required for us to be confident and to welcome the love of others. Sirach 5:1 from the reading yesterday says, "Rely not on your wealth; say not: 'I have the power.' Rely not on your strength in following the desires of your heart." (The rest of this passage really reminds me of how much I need to go to confession *insert monkey covering his eyes emoji*, but I digress...) When I become anxious and overwhelmed, whether concerning situations in my life or my own attributes or activity, the anxiety is caused by me taking too much on myself. I try to fix the things that don't needing fixing and perfect the things that don't need to be perfected. I am putting matters into my own hands; matters that are not suppose to be messed with. I am not being humble and trusting God. How much of a relief it is to read this passage. "Stop relying on yourself and stop thinking that your way is the best and only way!" God says. "CHILL OUT, MEGAN, I GOT THIS," God says. And, the rest of the passage is a warning: (I paraphrase loosely) if you don't stop relying on yourself and you don't rely on me alone, it's not going to be a happy ending. *Exhale the negativity, inhale the positivity.* In closing, I come back to the responsorial psalm: "Blessed are they who hope in the Lord." When I feel like the dust of my life has stirred up too much and I am unable to settle it, sweep it up, and toss it out, I need to remember that God is working. I have to HOPE in His design. When I am blinded by the dust and am unable to see the beauty and goodness that God has created in me, I have to recall His goodness, faithfulness, and love. I have to HOPE in Him. After all, my life is not about me; it's about Him. My life is about me with God. His will is the only one that truly matters, so I hope in Him and I must conform my will to His. Megan
2 Comments
Clare
2/24/2017 10:52:54 am
This. Love your thougthfilled and sincere observations 😘
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I think we as women often have a hard time accepting compliments from others. We might be generous in complementing others, but like you said, do we really take the time to appreciate how we ourselves are complimented? I know I don't. I often brush them off and make some excuse. Ross says the same thing about me that Jake says about you, and I never take it to heart either. But I am beautiful and so are you! I know it's even harder now, being a mom and how our bodies will never quite be the same - but truly we are even more beautiful!
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Megan & JakeHusband and wife who have a passion for their life of raising babies and trying to follow God's will. Archives
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