I think it was my junior year in high school when I gave up bread and peanut butter for "Lent". I remember bragging to all my friends about it because we were basically all in a competition to lose weight and be the skinniest, prettiest person around. (Ironically, those women were and still are some of the best people I know, but it doesn't mean we didn't go through a very hard struggle battling satan's grip on our self image and vanity.)In my traditional, Catholic high school most, if not all, of my friends and I knew that Lent was for making sacrifices to purify ourselves of bad habits in order to grow close to God and also to unite us in His suffering on the Cross. I knew this, but in reality, I was too wrapped up in my self image to truly live that in my heart. I struggled with an extremely poor self image and obsessed over my weight. This destructive, inner turmoil started at a very young age and climaxed in high school, so giving up peanut butter and bread was not about suffering to grow closer to Jesus and unite myself in His suffering. Giving up peanut butter and bread was about taking the opportunity to lose more weight. If I was promising to God that I wouldn't eat peanut butter and bread, than I couldn't let Him down! It was so much easier to break a diet than to break a lenten fast. I basically used God and His sacrifice which gained me an opportunity for salvation to grow in vice, not virtue. When I was between my freshman and sophomore year in college, I had a profound experience after working for several months to lay my self image struggles at the feet of the Cross and allow God to heal me. I was relieved of a huge weight on my heart that constantly told me I wasn't good enough. It was freeing and miraculous. To this day I do not suffer anywhere near as badly as I did before that moment of enlightenment and Grace. But, it doesn't mean I was suddenly not human and fallen. Unfortunately, I still do struggle with my image at times, and I forget that I am created beautifully in the image and likeness of God. I think every person, especially women, struggle with self image and a desire to be seen as beautiful (or attractive). But people who had a journey of destructive behaviors and mental illness fight a very real and big demon. This is why I don't give up food-things for Lent. I did go on Whole30, but despite how amazing I feel it was for me, I did not do it for God; I did it for myself. I don't think I ever can honestly say I can give up food for God without feeling like I have an alternate motive, and a selfish one at that. My God asks for so much more from me. He asks for my heart and my whole self. He asks for me to give Him myself in my strength and weaknesses. He wants to bring me closer to Him and closer to joy. He wants to bring me freedom from vices and give me the gifts of His Holy Spirit. When I give up sweets or foods that I have labeled as "bad" in the past, I, unfortunately, cut Him out of the equation. In a sense, I use Him. Maybe you're curious how fasting goes for me? I get very crabby. Jake has scars. (Haha, I joke. Jake's like, "She's not joking...") Fast is hard. Isn't it? I don't feel like I am on a diet when I fast. I use to love the excuse to eat nothing all day because I had anorexic tendencies. Now, praise be to God, I don't and fasting is HARD. The only reason I love (eh...) and appreciate fasting now is because I feel that pain of hunger, and do not have any choice but to turn to God and ask Him to help me keep it together. I feel the opportunity to unite with Him in suffering when I fast. When I make the decision to fast, I do it for God and I absolutely need God. I have to totally surrender to Him. For some reason I cannot equate the same experience in my heart when I give up sweets or any food for Lent, and I think it is because of how I abused Lent in my past. When I had an eating disorder, I relied on myself and I used the liturgical seasons to my benefit. When I give up sweets or some food that I know keeps me from losing weight, I forget about God. For some reason I do not have the same experience when I am fasting. Maybe you have some tips or criticism to help me be able to give up sweets and food for lent. Maybe you think I am crazy. But, I feel like it is simply a little piece of my past that I still require God's healing. I need Him to help me grow in understanding of His love for me before I can make those types of sacrifices for Him alone, not for my vanity. When I eat or drink something that I feel like I shouldn't have, I need to focus more on how much I am loved, and focus on the beauty that God created me in. I am just not at a place yet where I can offer that type of sacrifice to God without it being about my image. In a sense it would be a harder sacrifice to make myself eat a cupcake every day and challenge myself to not feel guilty about it than to not eat a sweet for 40 days. God's mercy is so vast and so wide that I know He has so much more love and healing for me to receive. For this I am grateful and excited. This is another reason why I don't give up sweets or food for Lent, but instead, I take on a spiritual practice or work on a vice. I need God more than I understand, and cupcakes are nothing in comparison. Megan
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Megan & JakeHusband and wife who have a passion for their life of raising babies and trying to follow God's will. Archives
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